It reminds me of the whole 'personality type' trends... it can be fun (and occassionally useful) to categorise yourself, especially if it helps in communicating your needs or behaviours with others, but generally I don't think these categories are real as such. I think every relationship is built differently, and you should explore how the two of you work together rather than focus on things like this.
Thanks for sharing this article under my Note btw, I really enjoyed reading it!
i love the way you put it! learning how to work together is vital, but applying a broad framework and giving it undue focus simply isn't. i'm honored that you took the time to read and comment, i absolutely love your substack ♥️
Aw thank you so much! I've had a read through some of your other pieces since writing this comment and I really like your whole newsletter. You've earned a sub from me :)
I think that it’s important to step out of our comfort zones in relationships and put the other ahead of ourselves. Relationships are not a 50-50 give and take. They should be 100-100! In reality sometimes 0-100 or 0-0! The book helped me to look through my partner’s eyes. If I had read it earlier in my life maybe I wouldn’t have married 4 times! My take away from the book was that sometimes you just have to give and love anyway you can and get it right. (and sometimes move on when it’s really not right)
you put this so eloquently karol, and i love your take on it. 100-100 is so true, 50-50 is insufficient and tit-for-tat. it reminds me of that ursula k. le guin quote, 'love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.' did you enjoy the book as a whole? anything you didn't like or agree with? it sounds like it was super eye-opening and that's all we can ask for from books like that, i'm really glad it was helpful! i also don't mean to call the book useless or anything, i'm just looking at our modern conception of love languages - likely changing in many ways from the source material, being put through a game of cultural telephone for the last three decades! i totally resonate with the concept of selflessness in loving, as well as knowing when to call it quits, rather than just staying to stay and working on patching things up in vain. i've seen a few takes now that critique chapman, arguing that he's telling people to 'stay and suffer' - it sounds like that definitely isn't the case!
reading this made me realize I've been in the same thought group!! sort of erks me when people ask what my love language is, because I feel like at least 2-3 are tied for me, and then I feel like I just don't know myself really 😆 I wonder, what do you think of the Enneagram?
wow! that's another big concern with love languages that i didn't even think of: the idea that, if we don't resonate closely with any of the love languages in particular, we aren't in tune with ourselves like we should be. it could even make us question if we're being loved "properly" by our partners if things don't feel 'perfect' - i think it's way less detrimental not to take these things too seriously than to deeply believe in them!
and about enneagrams (i swear i'm not always such cynic 😂), i think they can be interesting, but i'm pretty sure i got different results the two times i took it, and didn't resonate fully with the results either time... so it's something i file alongside the myers-briggs and love languages for sure hahaha
100% agree! I think all of the five "languages" are important to have in a healthy relationship. I remember taking the test with my boyfriend. I scored equally for three and he scored equally for the other two. I felt silly. In all honesty, if my relationship was missing any one "language," even the two that I scored lowest for, I would feel incredibly frustrated.
Not to mention, the categories feel absurdly broad. The thoughtful attention that comes with well-selected gifts and handwritten notes are "gift-giving" and "words of affirmation," respectively. On the other hand, the spontaneity of a bouquet after work or surprise compliment are also "gift-giving" and "words of affirmation." The two sets of examples represent very different styles of showing affection, but the love languages framework would split them and group them instead by the concrete benefit you get out of the exchange.
exactly! the frustration of not having a healthy love 'diet' is mutual, human beings are too dynamic to love + accept love in only one or two forms. i also totally agree that there's so much criss-crossing between these languages; those examples you mentioned speak to the heart of it. i have yet to meet someone that knows exactly what their love language is, but i'd love to talk with them to see how they know for sure - and if it's ever changed!
I’ve always struggled with the idea that everyone only has one or two “primary” love languages - I think we show love in different ways to different people, based on that relationship. So I think I agree with you - the love languages are a useful tool, but ultimately fall short of all that love is or can be ❤️
you said it perfectly ♥️ there's definitely some positives in using it as a periodic exercise. it's definitely benefitted me to realize with friends and family, 'oh, this is how they're showing me love!' after some misunderstandings; after all, everyone's different. but if i consider certain loving actions 'less understandable' to me, aren't i reducing someone else's ability to love me the way they naturally do? too much important placed on love language alignment seems like it could be damaging!
It reminds me of the whole 'personality type' trends... it can be fun (and occassionally useful) to categorise yourself, especially if it helps in communicating your needs or behaviours with others, but generally I don't think these categories are real as such. I think every relationship is built differently, and you should explore how the two of you work together rather than focus on things like this.
Thanks for sharing this article under my Note btw, I really enjoyed reading it!
i love the way you put it! learning how to work together is vital, but applying a broad framework and giving it undue focus simply isn't. i'm honored that you took the time to read and comment, i absolutely love your substack ♥️
Aw thank you so much! I've had a read through some of your other pieces since writing this comment and I really like your whole newsletter. You've earned a sub from me :)
I think that it’s important to step out of our comfort zones in relationships and put the other ahead of ourselves. Relationships are not a 50-50 give and take. They should be 100-100! In reality sometimes 0-100 or 0-0! The book helped me to look through my partner’s eyes. If I had read it earlier in my life maybe I wouldn’t have married 4 times! My take away from the book was that sometimes you just have to give and love anyway you can and get it right. (and sometimes move on when it’s really not right)
you put this so eloquently karol, and i love your take on it. 100-100 is so true, 50-50 is insufficient and tit-for-tat. it reminds me of that ursula k. le guin quote, 'love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.' did you enjoy the book as a whole? anything you didn't like or agree with? it sounds like it was super eye-opening and that's all we can ask for from books like that, i'm really glad it was helpful! i also don't mean to call the book useless or anything, i'm just looking at our modern conception of love languages - likely changing in many ways from the source material, being put through a game of cultural telephone for the last three decades! i totally resonate with the concept of selflessness in loving, as well as knowing when to call it quits, rather than just staying to stay and working on patching things up in vain. i've seen a few takes now that critique chapman, arguing that he's telling people to 'stay and suffer' - it sounds like that definitely isn't the case!
reading this made me realize I've been in the same thought group!! sort of erks me when people ask what my love language is, because I feel like at least 2-3 are tied for me, and then I feel like I just don't know myself really 😆 I wonder, what do you think of the Enneagram?
wow! that's another big concern with love languages that i didn't even think of: the idea that, if we don't resonate closely with any of the love languages in particular, we aren't in tune with ourselves like we should be. it could even make us question if we're being loved "properly" by our partners if things don't feel 'perfect' - i think it's way less detrimental not to take these things too seriously than to deeply believe in them!
and about enneagrams (i swear i'm not always such cynic 😂), i think they can be interesting, but i'm pretty sure i got different results the two times i took it, and didn't resonate fully with the results either time... so it's something i file alongside the myers-briggs and love languages for sure hahaha
Hahaha if you're a cynic, that makes me one too! I'm joining your club, because I feel the same way about all of those things!
Isn't your love language the one that your ex lacked? (using bold approximations here) ;)
haha all i can say for sure is that the 'love diet' between us must've been lacking 🫣
100% agree! I think all of the five "languages" are important to have in a healthy relationship. I remember taking the test with my boyfriend. I scored equally for three and he scored equally for the other two. I felt silly. In all honesty, if my relationship was missing any one "language," even the two that I scored lowest for, I would feel incredibly frustrated.
Not to mention, the categories feel absurdly broad. The thoughtful attention that comes with well-selected gifts and handwritten notes are "gift-giving" and "words of affirmation," respectively. On the other hand, the spontaneity of a bouquet after work or surprise compliment are also "gift-giving" and "words of affirmation." The two sets of examples represent very different styles of showing affection, but the love languages framework would split them and group them instead by the concrete benefit you get out of the exchange.
exactly! the frustration of not having a healthy love 'diet' is mutual, human beings are too dynamic to love + accept love in only one or two forms. i also totally agree that there's so much criss-crossing between these languages; those examples you mentioned speak to the heart of it. i have yet to meet someone that knows exactly what their love language is, but i'd love to talk with them to see how they know for sure - and if it's ever changed!
I’ve always struggled with the idea that everyone only has one or two “primary” love languages - I think we show love in different ways to different people, based on that relationship. So I think I agree with you - the love languages are a useful tool, but ultimately fall short of all that love is or can be ❤️
you said it perfectly ♥️ there's definitely some positives in using it as a periodic exercise. it's definitely benefitted me to realize with friends and family, 'oh, this is how they're showing me love!' after some misunderstandings; after all, everyone's different. but if i consider certain loving actions 'less understandable' to me, aren't i reducing someone else's ability to love me the way they naturally do? too much important placed on love language alignment seems like it could be damaging!